Mr. Waterhouse: Hello, no one is available—

Glenn: Hello, Mr. Waterhouse. This is Glenn Cord, and I’d—

Mr. Waterhouse: Beep.

Glenn: —thank


Glenn: —very much for taking the time to speak with me this morning about the position of Main Controller with Franklin, Wessen, Goldman & Waterhouse. It was a pleasure meeting with you, and I am confident my skills and experiences are a great match for this opportunity. You don’t want to lose me, and, pardon me for cutting to the chase, but I felt a strong connection. I was a bundle of nerves this morning. So anxious that I’d driven to the interview in my pajamas, I still managed to transform the outfit into professional attire with the use of some yarn I found under your assistant Katlyn’s desk. I believe my ability to quickly adapt to any situation makes me a uniquely experienced candidate for the job. Expecting to be a bundle of nerves, I found my angst had vanished as soon as we shook hands, giving way to a sense of total comfort and familiarity. Suddenly, I felt I could tell you anything. There was, in fact, maybe even a conspiratorial quality you and I felt almost immediately, like we’d known and trusted each other for a long time. You reminded me of my father. I remember being so at ease that I even told you about my 4 felony convictions, two of which require the placement of signage—


Glenn: —my front door. But not even two seconds after telling you, I was already reading the job offer letter that you were drafting in your head. “It is true what they said about you, Glenn,” it began in a ruthlessly efficient business tongue. “We would like to offer you the position of Main Controller at Franklin, Wessen, Goldman & Waterhouse. In fact, and this is just a rumbling right now, but we believe Mr. Goldman will be retiring in a year or so, and, well, let’s just say we’d like to keep it at four names.” I became so wrapped up in this fantasy that I forgot that I was standing in front of you in my pajamas, not listening to a word you were telling me. Yet it was as though we’d known and trusted each other for a long time. Mr. Waterhouse, or should I call you Sheldon, or Shel? I am very enthusiastic about the possibility of joining your team and would greatly appreciate a follow-up as you move forward with the hiring process. If you need any further information, please don’t hesitate to contact me on my mobile number. You might have a record of it on your phone system, but if you’re anything like me — and I truly believe you are — you can’t understand a damn thing of it. So, if you need any further information, please don’t hesitate to contact me on my mobile number, which is 482-428-4222. And just so you know, a lot of people are jealous of that number, because you only need to remember two digits, 4 and 2. In fact, I’ve been offered large amounts of money for the sale of this phone number, 482-428-4222. I bet you already have it memorized. 428-482-4222. That’s the beauty of it. So, perhaps you can guess by now, I’m a numbers guy. Thanks again, and I hope to hear from you in the near future, when our cosmic paths again collide like two supernovas exploding at once. 282-484-9743. That’s my fax number, in case I’m dialed up on the cell.